I thought I knew

I thought I knew how being a father would be. I have a father, a good one. I understood that much. I have nephews and nieces, and I love them to bits. I understood that much. So when we become pregnant, I thought I had a pretty strong grip on how being a parent felt.

I knew I wasn’t nearly ready as I wanted to be, but I didn’t think I had a big gap of understanding on how a father felt about their child. I had experienced a large swath of the human emotion spectrum, and I’ve gathered a lifetime of experiences leading to that point. So, I thought I knew how being a father would feel.

And then, I became a father. Just like the flipping of a switch, everything was turned to 11.

My ears wanted to hear every single sound my son made, my eyes didn’t want to rest so that I may not miss a single movement of his tiny limbs. I was fiercely protective of him from the every so slight change in the environment surrounding him. It was like a primal instinct had awakened in me. I could feel my rage burn wild, even at the slightest perceived discomfort the hospital staff caused him. The days were like a blur, and I was physically tired from the things that were happening—such as cleaning the home vigorously in preparation of his arrival. But I felt the most awake at the same time.

There was suddenly a big, wide world full of things that really didn’t understand how fragile a baby is. There was a world full of billions and billions of people who didn’t feel exactly the same caring love as his mother and I were carrying. Just like the flipping of a switch, everything was turned to 11. I went into what I imagine was a primal urge to protect your own.

It’s been a few months since then. I’ve calmed down quite a bit—less of that primal rage. But that wakefulness never went away. I’ve come to accept that the part of me that awakened is here to stay. I also feel the calmest when my son is firmly in my arms and he cuddles to find a comfortable position. I guess that’s part of being a father. I’m guessing, continuously learning to be a father is also part of being a father too. But, I’ve become a father nonetheless.


Now read this

What is the meaning of that poem?

I am a poet, and that much I can say without the uncertainty I allude in the current bio section of this blog which reads “SysAdmin, Programming Language Tourist, and Petty Dabbler of the Written Word”, or my first post here. My work as... Continue →